KoZy Crafting

A.K.A. The Need for More Hobbies

I’m starting this post ahead of time – the same week as I’ve released the previous post – because I know I’ll procrastinate with this one. Unlike the previous posts this subject isn’t exactly factual or in a particular order so I’m well aware that I’ll jump around from piece to piece or lose my train of thought entirely. It’s for that reason that I’ll apologise in advance, in case this reads like an amalgamation of word salad and out-of-place sentence structures.

As some of you would know, I am autistic. I was diagnosed later in life and hadn’t even considered it until it was pointed at as a possibility, so I’ve spent the majority of my life being socially awkward, a bundle of anxiety, and a collector of hobbies that I’d focus on for short periods of time then move on to the next one. However, being diagnosed so late means I had already developed coping strategies for a bunch of those problems – the most prominent one being constantly anxious anyway, so anything above regular anxiety just makes me slightly more tired.

I don’t make it a priority to hide my autism – in fact since I received the diagnosis I’ve told most people I know in real life anyway – though I’m aware of a stigmatism surrounding it, with the implication that autistic people can’t do things that neurotypical people can, or they’re somehow lesser people. It probably stems from the various movies and TV series that portray autistic people as either cold and calculating, overly emotional, or requiring assistance for basic life skills. I’m conscious that some do require a lot of assistance, while others have outbursts or tics that are uncontrollable. For those like me, those who’ve spent their lives learning what not to do in society for fear of being shunned or mocked, those who’ve built up a mask that covers typical autistic traits, we often receive the response of ‘well, you don’t look autistic.’

Sure, I can’t count the amount of marbles in a container just by looking at it, nor can I learn a language by just hearing it over a short period of time. I don’t outwardly struggle in public or break down in loud places. I do have my own struggles – anxiety being a major one – but as mentioned, I’ve learned to keep them under wraps for the most part. I also have a nice little gift that comes from my autism; I can pick up a hobby and run with it easier than most people.

But Why More Hobbies?

I don’t know if it’s due to my upbringing or my autism – even therapy couldn’t pinpoint the root cause – but I love picking up a new skill and making something with it. The phrase ‘jack of all trades, master of none’ is a very apt description of what I do with my time. Some hobbies stick, with the prime examples being what I sell through my business, while others are passing fancies that I never touch again. I made a pair of faux leather boots for an elf costume that I wore to a D&D game once, though I made them without a pattern or any prior experience of anything similar. They were a little rough around the edges and definitely wouldn’t hold up to a trek through the woods, but they were comfortable enough and now hang on the door of my workshop along with the bracers and elf ears I’d purchased. Why did I make the boots? Because I couldn’t find a cheap vegan alternative that looked like fantasy boots.

And that’s all it takes really. Woodworking was borne from a desire to make cool things for gifts. Resin casting was borne from a desire to create cool-looking dice and jewellery. 3D printing was borne from an amalgamation of my engineering interest, design interest and creation interest, not to mention the miniatures I could print for D&D. I dabbled in learning languages because I like anime; I became a proficient drummer simply to fill a space in a band (which then became a permanent thing for a while); my interest in weaponry lead me to briefly practice kendo and staff skills; my desire to create worlds has yielded many attempts at writing novels, the longest of which hit five chapters.

It seems that the key is to have a hobby which creates something, otherwise I don’t see a notable result. I can never stick with language learning as I wouldn’t use those languages outside of Duolingo, and similarly yoga wouldn’t yield a measurable outcome, or one that I’d notice in any short length of time. Negativity seems to be counterproductive too. Notably, if I receive overly negative feedback to the result of a hobby it can make me procrastinate and leave it unfinished or untouched afterwards. That leads me to my next heading nicely.

Superpower or Burden?

Truthfully, autism can be both. On the one hand a logical mind and the ability to think beyond what other people perceive can help with problem solving, often finding simple solutions that seem obvious but are overlooked. On the other hand everything is very sensitive to outside interference. New hobbies take the limelight due to the sudden release of dopamine and the feeling that everything is being freshly discovered and researched, often leaving older hobbies by the wayside. Alternatively, as mentioned, feedback from other people or oneself can severely hamper and stall any project. A personal example (of the many that spring to mind) is a set of wands that were started years ago and never finished, yet have been sat beside my lathe since and constantly haunt me whenever I use my workshop, purely because the finish wasn’t exactly as I imagined. Even the perception of possible future problems is enough to stall a project. Printed miniatures sit awaiting their pre-painting touches for fear that I’ll overly scuff the surface or break a piece off. Are those problems fixable when they happen? Yes, I could easily glue the mini back together or sand the affected area. Does it require more effort? Also yes, so my mind doesn’t let me continue with the process for fear of making things worse.

I suppose anxiety is the root of most of this, coupled with executive dysfunction – my mind often won’t allow me concentrate on things I need or want to, leading to forgetfulness or an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ sort of behaviour. Although, the effects of negative feedback aren’t limited to my hobbies and extend to the rest of my life too (appearance, personality, and even my job,) so it could be that the anxiety is caused by my reaction to negative stimulus and feeds back on itself to create a cycle of negativity and anxiety. Somehow I’ve learned to suppress it, feeling only waves of anxiety when I’m reminded of a particular task or memory and conveniently forgetting about it the rest of the time. Executive dysfunction can apparently be a blessing on occasion.

Now, despite having to deal with this most of my life, I may have made a small breakthrough while typing the above sentence. It happens on occasion where I look at myself from a different angle and find a link between two things that I’d never considered. Therapy was a huge help for this and, despite being unbothered by the concept of therapy previously, I can now say that it really does open some doors to understanding yourself. That being said, I’m beginning to run out of things to discuss that won’t start an entirely new blog, so…

The Finale

I suppose what this entire blog post was attempting to highlight is the struggle to create a business while dealing with mental health issues and disorders, namely autism and anxiety in this case. Sure, the idea was formed excitedly and started to take shape with the website, but, much like pushing a large boulder up a hill, anxiety and executive function issues took their toll in slowing the pace. I have several new colours of filament to add to the website but the effort required to simply choose something to print and take a photo is clearly beyond my current frame of mind. Some days it gets easier and I strike a couple of things off the to-do list, while some weeks go by as I open the website only to stare at it wondering what to actually do with that time until, before I know it, I’ve sat for an hour procrastinating out of anxiety.

Perhaps one day I’ll find a way to combat such instances, but I’m quite surprised I managed to complete this post within the month! And to finish off, here’s a picture of me alongside a sign showing the age I’m sliding ever-closer to…